It’s been rough these past few days. I’ve been going up and down a lot, sometimes in the same day. Granted, these highs and lows aren’t drastic, but they’re enough to have me feeling a bit defeated. I hate being at the mercy of my moods. I hate that I’ll never be able to hold down a job. I’ve come to realize that even though I’m more stable than I’ve been in a long time, I’ll still never be able to do anything except stay at home.
That’s where my writing comes in. I can write. And if I can boast on myself a bit, I write pretty well. When your husband, who teaches literature, says you have the potential to be published, it sinks in. So I’ve been writing. And writing. But because of who I am, I’ve been obsessing over it and neglecting other chores and activities. I want to read a new book I got, I want to continue my Supernatural marathon, I want to exercise, I want to clean and organize my house, etc. But I’m me, and I can only seem to do one thing at a time.
My current obsession with writing can only be fulfilled when I’m either manic or stable. It’s the lows that get me. It’s a downward spiral. I start to feel low by losing interest in things, by hitting writer’s block. That’s where it starts. Then comes the sleepiness, the body aches, the inability to maintain a train of thought. I become sluggish and have a hard time carrying out conversations. It’s as if my brain is in a fog and can’t see the words people are saying, or the words that I need in order to answer them. It’s infuriating. My compulsions are still there, my obsessions are still there. But I can’t do anything about them. So that just insights a dull anxiety. Not a full on panic attack, because I don’t have the energy for that. But just enough anxiety that I get even more depressed.
I then start to think about how the lows affect me, how much I lose when I’m in one. How I struggle to show my family love and attention. It’s hard to smile and laugh at your silly kids when all you want to do is crawl under your covers in the fetal position. So I start to.. whatever the opposite of reminisce is. I start to think about how I shouldn’t bother to go back to school because if I hit a low I won’t go to class or do any of the work. I think about having to call a boss and tell them I’m sick, over and over again each month. Like I said, a downward spiral.
It sucks, but lows are just apart of my life. I’m hoping with this blog, that not only can I get some relief from getting all of this out, but that maybe someone else who suffers lows will read this and realize they’re not alone. Because they’re not. You’re not. The only thing I know to do is to constantly remind myself how much my family needs me. That no matter how low I get, no matter how much of a burden on them I feel that I am, they do still need me. So do that. Find one thing that would be affected by your absence and cling to it. No matter what.