What happened?!?!?!?!

I guess, in a nutshell, life happened. It’s cliche, but true. Here are some quick updates:

1. We still have not closed on our house due to the siblings of the seller placing a lien on the title. We’ve gone through multiple closing dates now, but will hopefully close in January.
2. The girls ended up going to school in-person instead of us homeschooling. We were really nervous about this decision in the beginning, but it has done wonders for the girls socially and emotionally. The oldest has even won an award at school for her behavior.
3. Just had my left knee surgery, a third meniscus repair for that side. Still planning on having my double mastectomy this coming summer.
4. My moods… well that’s a whole post that’ll be coming soon.
5. Covid-19, enough said

Overall, it’s just me. This. Is. Me. I’m unpredictable and unreliable. Which is sad, because I have this inner need to be reliable. I want people to rely on me, I want to be able to rely on myself. But it’s just not in the cards. Blogging makes me feel better, but I have to be in just the right mood to do it. I have to have just the right amount of energy and creativity to do it. I feel like in order to do anything that I WANT to do, I have to have everything at precisely the right formula or it won’t work. And it sucks. It sucks, because I haven’t posted in any of my blogs in months. Months!

That’s not an, “Oops, I forgot my second post this week!” It’s a, “What was the site page again?” It’s explaining to my husband why I want to keep all of these subscriptions and add-ons for my blogs when I’m not even blogging. Because cancelling them feels like I’m giving up. I know it wouldn’t really mean giving up, but in a way… it is. (Even right now, I’m struggling to write this. My mood is off. I had surgery two days ago so technically I could blame the pain pills if I wanted to, but it’s me. I’m low. I can tell, because nothing is holding my interest very long. Nothing seems like it CAN hold my interest for very long. Trying to write a cohesive piece while low is unbelievably difficult. My thoughts are all over the place.) And you know what, I’m going to leave this rambling bit in here just so you all can see my thought process.

But back on track, this blog is important to me because it allows me to voice my feelings and give a name to bipolar disorder. You can read all you want about a disorder without ever actually grasping the concept. But I hope that in reading my posts, those suffering from bipolar disorder get their feelings voiced as well. That others living with people affected get some unique insight to the disorder. For those just curious about mental illness being able to find first hand accounts. All of this is important to me. So for the single burning question in my head tonight, “Why can’t I do what makes me happy? Do what’s important to me?”

I know, I know, I’m being dramatic. I can do what makes me happy, what’s important to me. But a lot of the time, I actually can’t. What I can do is get up every morning, whether I want to or not. I can get my girls ready for school, take them to school, pick them back up. I can keep up with the bare minimum in housework or knock it out of the park. I can plan fancy dinners with detailed prep work, or throw some pizza in the oven. I can be there for my family in the best way I know how for that day. And at the end of the day I can crawl into bed either disappointed or impressed with myself. Because life is not easy right now, nor will it ever be. But I can continue to do my best, and today I am doing that by writing this post. I am writing and will go to bed proud that I did so.