I Can Start Again

Part of my problem in recent years is that I try and take on too much. I try to be a wife, a mom, a daughter, sister, friend, blogger, crafter, business woman, writer, and avid reader. But that is an insane amount of hats to be putting on. Ideally, I’d have a schedule and would be able to do at least some of each, each week. But the biggest issue with bipolar disorder is that I don’t know how I’ll be the next day, or sometimes even the next hour.

Right now I’m low. I’m tired and it’s taking its toll. That makes writing on my novel almost impossible. I’m at the end, the big climatic ending, and I’m stuck. No creative juices are flowing. I have been staring at the page, forcing out garbage paragraphs for four days now. I also have a wiccan blog that I haven’t written anything for in a few months. I don’t have the “interest” to do any new research. I’ve been so focused on my novel that I’ve let everything else go. I haven’t done any crafts in months either.

The good thing, I hope, about starting this blog is that I can write no matter my mood. Unless of course I’m too “low.” But right now, I’m passable. My husband has already noticed, but he’s ridiculously good at tuning into my moods. All I want to do is crawl into bed and not get up. As a mom, I can’t do that. We may be in quarantine, but my husband is still working from home. So, here I am on my couch, typing away and hoping that it’ll make me feel better.

But enough whining and back to my many hats. I have found that listening to music lifts my moods, but as I’ve been with my parents the past week, I haven’t been able to pop on the headphones. So today, when my husband is done working, I plan on doing just that. Also, instead of a daily schedule, maybe I’ll just give one of my hats a day of the week. A day to work on my novel, crafts, Wicca research, a day for blogging, date night with the husband, and weekends with the family.

Now normally I’d give that schedule one, maybe two weeks. One good “low” or one good obsessive streak and the schedule is gone. What I need to work on is forgiving myself for these moments in time. I need to take the “low”, try and reign in the obsessive streak but not get stressed by neglecting the schedule. I can always start it again. I need to make that into a mantra. I can start again. So, today I will work on making a schedule, and get caught up on stuff around the house so that I will have more free time each day. And if I get off my schedule, the second I am back to myself I will start again.