The Downward Spiral

TW: Anorexia/Eating Disorder

I feel like a mess, and lately I’ve been acting that way. Turns out I forgot one of my medications when I filled my pill box for the week. The one for anxiety. I was fine about four days ago, but then I got low. It was a bad low, really deep. I lost interest in everything and ended up spending most of my days laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Literally. My hygiene slipped and I couldn’t sleep, which only made my low worse.

The worst part of this low was the anxiety. And the fact that I went to the doctor and got weighed. That plus anxiety is apparently all that’s needed for my anorexia to raise its ugly face. I know better than to look at the scale, but I did this time. And this time the weight of an anvil dropped into my stomach. It was too much, too high. How did I let this happen?! Now every time I look in the mirror it’s like I have that number tattooed all over my skin. It’s all I see.

So I stopped eating meals. I’d have a few crackers for “breakfast”, a few more for “lunch,” and would get cornered by my husband into eating “just something substantial” for dinner. But then I began to become anxious about an upcoming binge. It’s what I do. I starve myself for days, binge, and then drop into a super bad low. So now my anxiety was even higher. So I ate more crackers at each mealtime, and actually ate chicken. To avoid a binge, I’m eating more, but still less than a thousand calories each day. When I eat, I feel like my body jiggles and flops just to remind me what I’m feeding. The voices tell me that I’m feeding the fat. That I need to “let my body eat its self for a while.”

I know in my rational mind, that these thoughts make zero sense. Your body doesn’t “eat its self.” I don’t have that number tattooed all over me and I am more than a number on a scale anyhow. My rational mind knows this, but I can’t Believe it. I see the numbers on my skin. I hear the nasty little comments my mind makes whenever I eat or get dressed. It’s hard to believe rational thoughts when you have aggressive and angry irrational thoughts screaming at you 24/7.

The anorexic side is at full force, and it’s only the fear of a binge that is making me eat. I get giddy when I’m hungry and don’t eat, it’s like a rush. And my rational mind gets angry at that. Then I go longer and longer with that hunger until I’m shaking and vomiting. It’s a mess. I’m a mess. But I’ve spoken to my caseworker and therapist about it and they’re monitoring everything very closely. I did good today, especially after therapy. I ate dinner until I was full.

It’s all a slippery slope. One I have gotten myself out of before, and will hopefully do so again. It’s a cycle. Just like my moods. I try and tell myself that I am not at the mercy of my moods and thoughts, but perhaps that’s just simply not true. Maybe I am. At least for now. But I know that whenever I feel this way I have a monumental support team out there watching over me. I have family, friends, and an entire team that’s sole purpose is to help me with my eating disorder. I am in good hands, even if they aren’t my own right now.

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