When Progress is Suspicious

I’ve been surprisingly efficient lately, which of course begs the question: Am I Manic? My manics are terrifying. I talk nonstop at an incredible high speed. I only think of myself, I am incapable of empathy. Yes, kinda like a sociopath. I can’t sit still, I feel none of my usual pain that keeps me from being very active, so I’m up and moving. I barely eat and I don’t sleep while manic. Say I have a manic phase that lasts four or five days, which happened in college, then that means I went four or five days with zero sleep. No power or cat naps, nothing. I start seeing “shadow people” and that’s when my body crashes.

There’s also nothing to stop you from doing whatever you want. ANYTHING you want to do. Legal or not. Consequences do not exist. There’s no, “What if I get caught?” The idea that something bad can come of your behavior does not exist. You don’t just ignore it, it never gets thought of in the first place. Want to go shopping with the money set aside for rent, there is literally no inner voice or thought telling you not to do that. The only angel on your shoulder is super excited for the shopping spree.

It would be lovely to be productive and not have to worry about becoming manic. For the past couple weeks my neck and shoulders have been hurting like hell. But I’ve pushed through (some days). Today I feel good. My neck and shoulders feel better, I’m patient, and am not at all worried about food or their vicious little calories. Financially our family is finally comfortable, I got the hysterectomy scheduled that I’ve wanted for a while now, my oldest will start summer school on the first, and the youngest is starting to sleep through the night in her own bed. Things are looking good for once.

I’m letting the first draft of a novel rest before I start revising and editing, so in the meantime I’ve started an outline for a new book. I’ve done research for my mother-in-law and have attempted to help my husband with the house. I setup my altar differently and I love it, so I’ve been doing more with my religion, which always helps my mood.

The fact that I can get up and do all these things means I’m not in a low. But being stable seems so elusive to me, so of course I start worrying about becoming manic. Today however, I think I am stable. Which is amazing! I have patience today with my daughters, one of whom is diagnosed autistic and having a particularly bad day. I worked on my outline today, then came over here to discuss today’s feelings. I will, of course, be suspicious of this turning into a manic phase. It sucks that I can’t just sit back and enjoy it, but I never know what will happen if I let my mind take the wheel.

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